The long awaited post: Raw and Unedited
You feel
worn out, exhausted….
somewhere behind you a bees hive was disturbed,
and you, unwilling and too afraid to deal with the result of attack started running,
You’ve been running for awhile now…
(Perhaps for years)
You’re tired of being numb, being disconnected from feeling- from emotion;
It’s the walls you’ve put up lest any of the bees have started to already catch up with you. It’s the umbrella that you duck under to cover yourself with whenever life forces you to stop and take a breath. It’s still avoiding those key little bees.
Part of you is pleased with yourself for your ability to “keep it all together” and not “fall apart” emotionally. You smile when you must look back apon these things, oh but the smile isn’t real. You see friend, when you disconnect all emotions, you also lose the ability to feel joy and happiness.
You may fool people, you may even fool yourself,
but there is One that you will never be able to deceive.
Captivity still has a hold on you. The chains have only changed hands. (The teeth of past abuse/trauma still sunk deep in your flesh)
and now you run on
numb, unfeeling and holding your breath.
A bit like a robot isn’t it?
A bit like unliving is it not?
Was it worth it?
The build up of oceans inside causes cracks through your eyes
now and then
and until your scramble to stop up the leaks is successful, you feel it:
pain.
Things get messy.
Memories don’t stay in the trunks and cavities of the deep down your basement in your mind like their supposed to. They just can’t stay buried forever.
“Personal” here and there leaks into your “professional”
Its a shame to lose that separation.
But was living like a robot so much better?
You start to wonder if it was.
and the bees continue their pursuit and humming behind you.
They will not go away on their own.
The things that you’ve been running from must be dealt with.
So you slow your pace,
and you slow to a stop,
and you let the bees cloud around you.
The stinging is persistent and deep
and it sucks, I won’t lie…..
(and know that He will be with you through all of this)
but one thing about bees:
They die when they sting you.
read that again.
They die when they sting you.
In the process of stabbing you with their stinger and then breaking away, they tear a small piece of themselves, and they cannot live on.
So while this time sucks, and it’s hard and it seems unbearible, and yes unending,
know that it will…
The bees will die off…and then the wounds that were coming that you finally let yourself take will eventually heal…with His help, of course.
and then, while you may bare scars, depending on the injury,
you will be healed. And He will have used the surgery of being stung by these “bees” as part of His process of who He is making you to be.
Romans 8:28
Romans 5:1-5
