Sitting to the side
By the window
Easily alone with my thoughts.
The sunshine warming my hair,
The A/C cooling my ankles.
Sundress covering my knees.
I throw my head back against the sill and stare at the ceiling. Enjoy the stillness of the unfinished rafters.
I have someone with me,
waiting, listening, watching me,longing to have me spill my heart,
But I often avoid it.
Sew shut my lips
Bite my tongue,
Because its oh so scary to come undone.
“Can we not talk about this?” I plead, even though my heart is desperately in need to.
I’m afraid of the mess the digging might lead to.
I daze out the window, I study the floor, I find a distraction
and go with it go with it.
Count the dust bunnies, jump on the back of the lovebug crawling on the glass pane, find a flaw to catch my attention,
Anything
Anything but the prick of pain that rips and aches in my soul.
Anything but the flaws inside; the tumor arye
That scares me.
Let’s avoid the problem
Pretend its not there
Pick at my fingernails
Play with my hair
And stay busy busy busy.
I don’t want this bowling ball of weight of reality
Growing heavy
So I keep it moving.
(When I’m left standing still its hard to hold onto. Hard to ignore that I don’t have a grasp on things.
I don’t have it all together as some may believe)
The truth is scary to tackle sometimes
Usually means that I’m wrong.
I mentally run forward and jumping off the cliff,
I say it. Cutting straight to the Chase,
I let go of the words as if they’re my last.
“I don’t trust you.”
Splash,
There it is.
All I’ve been thirsting for.
His face
The warmth of his smile
The soaking of his grace through me.
There it is
settling into my skin.
“What is that, my love? Say it again.”
“I…..don’t…… trust You…..I don’t trust that You are good, I don’t trust You to bless me.”
And He is not surprised.
I’m met. I’m understood.
I’m still welcome.
The wall breaks
I burst into tears.
“I can’t do this”
“I’m not forcing you to.”
“But I want to, I need You.”
“I know, don’t worry, I’ve got you!”
And He wraps me in His warm embrace
Im still stiff, but I hope to rest eventually
I’m still struggling
And wrestling
And rebelling with my wicked foolish heart.
I’m so glad that He loves me so.
